I think I’m going to start my diary tonight by being as real as possible, I have never felt like it’s my place to be negative and to talk about those kinds of things on the internet. I always wanted to smile and give you all of my weird, craziness.. but I think this journey has made me grow and I feel a closeness with a lot of people on here that I honestly, never thought I would have. I think that possibly by allowing myself to talk about negative things just this once, maybe we can get closer and bond more.
I’m going to try and end this diary on a sweet note because, a lot of stuff has actually been going great recently 🙃
So, I think when I decided to do the whole porn thing, I released it to the world and said that a sex tape was coming.. Of course I wanted people to be super excited, as I was too.. I mean I’ve trolled around with showing parts of myself for so long now that I had to actually lift my top on twitter as a way to proving to everyone that I wasn’t joking heh. It was exciting and I am excited to keep showing you all the things you want the most, I think that’s my real relationship with why I love doing this so much, it’s that naughty, secret giving to people who really appreciate it and want it, and I love and truly get off to that. I think the expectation on the internet has been a bit much, for me, this was meant to be the start of learning to do something new and a journey to give everyone, including me, something new. The problem was, people believed that I was some professional pornstar that knew how to do everything instantly, that knew exactly what type of porn every single individual wanted to see, there has been a lot of criticism that I do understand of course, because I’m rational..
I am Belle Delphine and I’ve also created Belle Delphine as this character on the internet, and I think it’s so easy to think that I’m not even real, that I’m some kind of fairy dust for views on youtube, or that I’m just a character, but I’m just human like you (and yes, I may not be living your life, be male or be able to drive a car or ride a bike properly >.>) but, I don’t think anyones emotions are dead enough not to feel the intense, hyper personal criticism of people on youtube, or in the comments, or even creators that I’ve spoken to who I thought were close to me that have bababooyed me in the most personal, vulnerable way.
It does sting and I do feel it. I’m not saying this because it makes me want to quit, I don’t. Because I like it, I want to keep going because its what I want to do.. but I just think maybe it’s time to connect with you all more. To explain and let you understand things from me, like I’m with you. Like I’m not something that’s so far away that’s it’s all smiles and kisses, that sometimes it’s weak and sometimes being weak is closer than being strong.
I don’t know why the frick I decided to write this diary entry and 3:30 am but I just wanted to talk to you. So, I’m going to talk about one of the things I love most.
I have this keychain that I’ve always rubbed for good luck out of superstition. I got it so long ago that I can barely remember where I got it from, I think I found it in this charity (ooff.. whats the american word again, thrift? >.<) shop in the New Forest where I grew up and ever since It’s just been one of those things that for some reason I’ve never lost and has always travelled with me. I have had it on everyyy keychain I’ve had, it’s like this worn out cute rabbit. it’s just something that I’ve become so attached to over time, maybe one day I’ll show it to you but it’s just so personal to me lol. Anyway, I always rub it for luck and I feel like whenever I’m out and it’s on my keychain I’ll just be safe and always make it home haha. It sounds really crazy but I love it, it has so many memories and nostalgia for me. Do you have anything like that? I hope I’m not the only one >.<
Anyway, I promised I’d end it on a good note and I’ve been rubbing the frick out of that keychain tonight so, it’s all going to be okay ^-^ hahaha, okay! I really really need to sleep. I can’t wait to talk to you again soon <3
Goodnight you. <3